Holiday's

I always looked forward to the holidays, they are my favorite time of the year. Now they hold a bit of sadness. They always will no matter how long it has been. On Sunday on of my favorite events is happening. The world wide wave of light. For 24 hours around the world there will be a wave of light to remember all the babies that are not here this holiday season. They do a ceremony at children's memorial park, last year it was amazing and touching. However you don't have to go to a special ceremony you can simply light a candle in your home or wherever you are. I am really looking forward to the ceremony on Sunday even though this year I will most likely be going alone.

Every parent grieves differently for some it may not be hard during the holiday season. For me I spend it wondering. What would he have been like? Would he have been excited? Would he be wanting the same toys that Kaleb does? And so many more questions.
I take comfort in the fact that they were identical, I can look at Kaleb and know pretty much what Jacob would have looked liked. But it doesn't mean they would have the same personality or liked the same things. This may be the things I think about the most. It is what makes losing a baby so much harder that some one who has had a longer life. But that is just my opinion.
I love that all the people get together and remember their children, their friends children's, it is a special time.

Days 18 & 19

Day 18
I am thankful for the weather channel. I am obsessed with weather. I love learning about it. I could keep the tv on the weather Channel all day and just listen to it while I am doing stuff. I hope to someday have a degree in atmospheric sciences and meteorology although at his point it is unrealistic. I will always love weather.

Day 19
I am thankful for the people who saw I was having a hard time who invited me to bible study and the people that befriended me there. For inviting me to their church and going out of their way to make my kids and I feel welcome. I know they don't know how much it meant to me. I am horribly shy and new situations and people are not easy for me. But you guys made me feel welcome and like I had friends. I wish I saw you guys more often hopefully soon I will be able to. You all are wonderful and this last 11 months would have been a lot harder without your friendship and wonderful example of how to live my life in Christ!

Light up purple!

So excited that for a third year in a row the Empire State Building will light up purple today in honor of world prematurity awareness day!!
My son was a premie and I know a few people who's babies were premature including a friend who's babies were born at 24 weeks and recently got to go home!

Days 13, 14, 15, 16 & 17

Day 13
I am thankful for the way my kids can make me feel better. My son is always willing to give me a hug or sit on the couch and snuggle. He is so sweet. He knows when I am down and he always try's to make me feel better. Bella is always full of smiles. She is a bright spot in whatever is going on. She is full of giggles and loves to play. She pretty much brightens any room she walks into.

Day 14
I am thankful for cool cloudy weather. It isn't rainy it is perfect park weather!

Day 15
I am thankful for the way God works in my life and the lives of people around me. He shows me I am making the right choices

Day 16
I am thankful for Black Friday. I look forward to it. It's the one time I love the crowds. Since having kids it has been hard to wait in line at 3 am. But this year I am determined to do it!

Day 17
I am thankful for Christmas cards! I love planning my Christmas cards. In stress about the picture of my kids that will go in it and making sure the card matches the picture an has the right message. I live receiving Christmas card also!

Days 11 & 12

Day 11:
I am thankful for Bella's nebulizer. Bella having asthma is a very new thing and I still get very scared when she has an asthma attack. She just seems so little and helpless. I am so thankful her doctor gave her a nebulizer. At 4am this morning she was wheezing and coughing, she sounded like she did Friday night when I took her to the ER. But this time I just took her downstairs and did a breathing treatment and she was ok. So today and everyday I will be thankful for her nebulizer.

Day 12:
I am thankful for coffee. My day starts the best when I have coffee. I sit and drink my coffee and watch the today show while the kids run around and play. It must have French vanilla cream and be really really hot. I love coffee dates with friends, I don't get them very often. Coffee helps me survive days when I have gotten no sleep or have sick kids that haven't slept. I LOVE being a mom, it is amazing, but i love it even more when I have coffee full of caffeine to drink to help me reach an energy level that is somewhat close to theirs. To sum it up: coffee makes my world go round :)

Days 8, 9, & 10

Day 8:

I am thankful for the tv show Glee. Yes, i know this is silly but i am. When life is overwhelming, which it often is right now, and i am exhausted there is just something wonderful about sitting down and watching a bunch of high school kids sing pop songs. It doesnt require me to think, i can just sit and enjoy it. It is my guilty pleasure once a week.


Day 9:

I am thankful for the people i work with. I really should have included this in day 7 but i was in a rush and ran out of time. They are great. They care about each other and go out of their way to help one another. They all truly care about the residents that live there and want only the best for them.


day 10:

I am thankful for a verse from the bible that taught me how to be gratful for what I have or what i had while i had it.

"...the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

On my hardest days i think on this verse. I remember how blessed i was to have two beautiful little boys. One is here for me to hug and kiss every day the other is watching from heaven and i will use his life to change someone elses for the better.

"light it up purple" National premature awareness day

November 17 2012 is national premature birth day. A group in Australia is asking landmarks around the world to light up purple in support of premature babies. Last year the Empire state building light up purple in support of national premature birth day it also did in 2010.

www.Marchofdimes.com  has a few articles on it being light up and it has a link to sign the petition to light the white house up purple in January. I signed it, I hope you do also.

My son was born 5 1/2 weeks premature. He was luckier than most because we knew i would go into labor early so at 28 weeks i was given steroid shots to help his lungs develop quicker. We wouldn't know for sure until he was born how much it had helped. Thanks to the shots his lungs were developed and he only spent 3 hours in the NICU. Most babies are not this lucky. Most parents don't have the advantage of knowing their baby will be early.

Please visit the march of dimes website and sign the petition.

Days 1-7

I know i am starting this 7 days late, but why not do 7 days all at once!


Day 1:
I am thankful for my parents. No matter how many times I screw up or ask for money they are always there for me. When i have questions or call at 3am worried about my kids they always have time for me. and my mom is excellent at calming me down. Most recently when my daughter was having trouble breathing she was so patient with me, even when i was trying to get her to hear the way Bella was breathing through the phone. My parents are awesome.

Day 2:
I am thankful for my wonderful Kaleb Daniel Algar. He was my first baby. He was tiny and perfect and a little fighter from before he was born. He is wonderful. He is sweet and loving and always willing to give me a hug to make me feel better. He loves to talk and ask questions. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Day 3:
I am thankful for Isabella AnnaMarie Algar. She is spunky and loves to smile. Possibly the happiest baby i have ever known. She doesn't like to talk but she has hand signals and gestures that's she figured out all by herself, it is adorable. She loves her brother and mimics everything he does. She is a joy to watch everyday. I cant wait to see the kind of adults my children grwo up to be.

Day 4:
I am thankful for Jacob. He never took a breath but he has changed my life more than anyone else. He has given me my lowest lows and he helping me reach a new high. He has helped me realize what i want to do with my life and how important it is to be there for people.

Day 5:
I am thankful for my pregnancies. I know this sounds weird but i learned alot from both of them. From my first one i learned to be strong. To be strong for my children. I learned that there is a strenghth in all of us that we dont know is there until we need it. From my second one i learned to not let fear rule my life. I spent that whole time terrified and I realized a few weeks after she was born that that isnt how i want to live and it isnt good for my kids. It gave me the courage to move forward and realize that moving on isnt forgeting him it is using his life to change the world, or maybe just one life.

Day 6:
I am thankful for the holiday season. I love Love LOVE novemeber and december. Thanksgiving is me second favorit holiday. I love all the food and the Macy's parade, i hope to one day go to New York and see it in person. I love cooking with my Mom and the mishaps we have while doing it. They make it wonderful. Christmas is my absolute favorite! Black friday shopping, the music, the lights, driving around aimlessly with Kaleb looking at lights every night...thats right every night we hit a new neighborhood. Walking through winterhaven drinking coffee. Christmas eve service singing christmas carols. Christmas day food family and lots of fun. Most importantly the reason for the season Baby Jesus!

Day 7:
I am thankful for my job. I love what i do. I love the people that live in the care home. They are all wonderful.

My goal

I want to start a non profit that offers support groups and other types of support for parents, grandparents, siblings...anyone who has had the loss of a baby effect them. There is only one, that's right ONE, support group that meets once a mouth in Tucson. Many places have none. It is a hard subject I understand that it took me 3 years to talk to others about what happened but people should feel that it is ok to talk about it. It actually helps. Although I am much better about being open with my feelings when I am typing a blog on my phone.
All the news and media make fun of people or ridicule them for the way they grieve. I think this is a lot of the reason that people don't feel comfortable talking about it. I mentioned the Duggar family in a previous post, I admire them. I don't share their strict views or want to have 20 children but the way they share these intimate heart breaking times with the world is admirable. They do it to encourage people and try and help them. I was horrified with the way the public and media tried to portray them when a picture of their tiny daughters hand was released. I was so angry. How would they feel if someone acted that way about their child, I can bet they wouldn't be ok with it.
Ok, I got off subject, I want their to be the support people need when they need it. This is going to be a long process but I believe it will be well worth the work. I have been reading a lot online about starting a non profit and it will take a lot of time but in the end if I can help someone then it will all be worth it.

They grow up to fast

It is hard to believe that Kaleb turned 4 this year. Now to make it worse I had to buy his jeans in the boys section. No more toddler or baby section for him! I have to admit I almost cried....OK I cried a little. He is such a little boy now, no longer a baby or toddler. I still remember him as my fragile 4 pound 4 ounce baby that everyone was afraid to hold because he was so tiny.

                                                                   Kaleb 2 days old

Where does the time go? How does it go so fast? While we are in the moment and exhausted with a newborn it feels like every day lasts forever, then all of a sudden they are 4!

On the same note, Bella is 13 months. She is walking all over, not really talking but she is good at getting across what she wants with hand signals and yelling.

                                         Kaleb and Bella the first morning that Bella and I were home
                                                              (4 days old,3years old)

He would watch her and ask me if she was ever going to do anything. He told me she was boring because all she did was lay there. Now that she is walking and into all his toys  i think he wishes she would just lay there and be "boring" they are so cute together when they sit and play nicely.
I love my kids, they are my world. Even when they are making me crazy. They truly do gow up WAY to fast.

An unexpected, amazing gift

While I was pregnant with Bella I was in a very minor finder bender, every one was fine the police weren't even called. Since I was so over anxious I asked my mom to go with me to make sure everything was fine with the baby. When we got there according to the NST i was having contractions, But i knew they were not real ones the real ones feel different. Since i was 37 weeks along they said i had to stay for 24 hours of monitoring to make sure i wasn't going into labor. They took me to a room and the nurse came in to do all the admittance paperwork. What had happened in my previous pregnancy is all over my paperwork and she started asking me questions about it. The one the stuck the most in my mind was her asking me which labor and delivery room i was in, i didnt remember the room number but i told her where the room was. She looked and me and started crying, She told me she was Jacob's nurse when he was born. She remembered the whole situation down to the room i was in before the emergency c-section. I of course started crying. I couldnt believe that this nurse had held my son. She had taken care of my baby. She had been the one to weight him and measure him and wrap him in a little blanket. I was crying uncontrollably and at that point my mom walks back in the room and see's me sobbing the nurse crying and hugging me and I told her she was going to hear something amazing and that she was going to cry to, and she did. She asked about Kaleb because even though she wasn't his nurse she was there when he was born and remembered him and his loud set of lungs. I don't know how long we sat there talking, crying, and looking at pictures. It was such an amazing gift for me to meet her, I was put to sleep right away so I don't have any memory of anything after they wheeled me into the OR so I didn't remember her from that day, but she sure remembered me and my little boys.
It was about 2 weeks later and I was at UMC bright and early for Bella's planned C-section and the same nurse saw I was there so she came in for a few minutes when her shift was over and we talked and she saw Josh again and hugged him. I was so disappointed she had worked the night shift so she couldn't be the nurse for Bella. But she was so wonderful. She was truly a blessing and this will always be one of my favorite memories.


Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice,and let them say among the nations, "The Lord reigns!"

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;for his steadfast love endures forever!
1 Chronicles 16:31, 34

Walk to Remember

Each year on the first Saturday of October the footprints support group hosted the "walk to remember" we have gone every year since October 2008. This year for the first time in 10 years they did not have it. I was very disappointed. There is something special about getting together with all these people that you have seen the years before and celebrating and remembering every ones babies. So this year we went ourselves. we brought our own baloons and we did the walk just the 4 of us. It was still special. we were not suprised that we were not the only ones with this idea. There were 4 other families there also.

                                           The kids by the wall where Jacob's name is engraved.

 

 

We did our own baloon release. This was always one of my favorite parts of the walk to remember.

 

 

 

I am extremly hopeful that next year they will have the walk to remember again.

 

 

Controlling the situation

In one of my previous posts I mentioned not being able to control what happened. A few people have speculated and thought that I had PTSD. I have never gone and been diagnosed or even attended counseling for his death, but the people who have speculated this are in or around these fields. I have had to work very hard to live "normally." I still struggle with it on a daily basis. I have anxiety about almost everything that has to do with my children. It was so bad when Kaleb was little that I unfortunately passed a lot of it onto him. I realized what I had done and started working with him on it about a year ago and he is now going to Sunday school and not screaming until he throws up when I leave. With the exception of Sunday school no one has ever watched Kaleb or bella with out me there except their dad or my mom and dad. And to be totally truthful I have bad anxiety as soon as I leave Kaleb on Sundays but I am good at getting it under control and even better at hiding it.
Control is the other big problem for me. I need to be in control or at least feel like I am. If I start feeling out of control I get very anxious and I get angry then I just shut down. The out of control feeling is the hardest one for me to deal with or to hide. I have successfully managed to manipulate almost every part of my life so that I don't feel out of control...I guess that is my way of dealing with it.
I have read stories of other people who have suffered from the same troubles after the loss of a child. At least I am not alone. It is very easy to feel like no one understands. That is why I started this blog, I want people to know that even though our situations a different I still understand the pain of losing a child. Knowing that you are not alone is a great feeling.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

Anger & God

I wasn't given a reason right away when Jacob passed away. It is so hard to not know why. I needed something to blame it on. I think that is a natural feeling. I wanted to know why. The eventual reason thay gave was that it was a cord accident, meaning that the cord was pinched, tied in a knot or wrapped around his neck. They would have been able to see on the ultra sound if it had been wrapped around his neck so in this case it was either pinched or tied in a knot. There is nothing that can prevent this and nothing I could have done to cause it. That's is a horrible feeling. I was completely out of control of the situation. I blamed God. I was very angry at God. I steped away from my faith because I couldn't handle the thought that God would have let my baby die, that he would leave me in so much pain. I blamed him for everything. After awhile the anger subsided and I just ignored him. I refused to pray or talk to God in anyway, I didn't read my bible and I very rarely went to church.
It was weird, one day I realized I was talking to God again. I can't pin point a specific time or event that caused it. I was still hurting but I had finally stopped blaming him. I take comfort that my son is in heaven. It is hard for me to imagine what it would be like or how I would feel if didn't have that comfort. One of my grandmothers passed away 7 months before Jacob did and I always loved the thought of him in heaven with her, I imagine her sitting in a rocking chair rocking him and of course keeping socks on his feet. My other grandmother passed away last July and now I have the same image of her rocking him and singing old hymns that she loved to him. Now that I am not as angry I can take comfort in these things.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

Dealing with Denial

Once the boys were born and I had brought Kaleb home from the hospital I wouldnt let him go. He was never out of my sight. I rarely slept, I would watch him sleep to make sure he was ok. My world revolved around Kaleb. I became a pro at ignoring what had happened. I told myself if i didnt think about it it wouldnt hurt....not true. The pain manifests in other ways. We had to decide what to do with Jacobs body...I wasnt prepared for this, but now i am glad we did. He was cremated and i have a tiny little urn. For 31/2 years it sat on a special shelf in Kaleb's room. Now it sits on a shelf in the living room with pictures of Kaleb and Bella. This became important to me about a month ago, I wanted all my babies on one shelf. We bought a small box to put the urn in and we attached the pin we got at the first walk to remember, it has the day he died and the day he was born written on it.



It is amazing how once something has happened to you, it can change your reaction to even the smallest things, things that you never would have paid much attention to before. I still have trouble 4 years later when i see someone that is pregnant with twins, when i see twins, most painfully identical twin boys. That is what I should have had, and it is like a stabbing feeling in my gut.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with Bella that all my avoidance came crashing down on me. I was terrified! My fantastic doctor grandfathered me into being his patient again. He didn't have to, he is a perinatologist and my "normal" pregnancy was not something he had to take. He classified me as high risk because of my previous pregnancy so the insurance wouldn't question my seeing him. He let me have appointments every two weeks and he did an ultra sound every time just to make me feel better. All the staff at UMC were so kind and understanding. I would panic and my mom would take me to the triage and they would do a non stress test to show me everything was fine. Her room was never decorated, just simply a crib and changing table, she was not named until 3 days before she was born, we were scared, although this was not spoken at the time. We both knew what it was...fear. I was scared of labor I knew I couldn't emotionally handle it, we opted for a planned c-section. And my doctor promised me that if I did go into labor before then that he wouldn't make me wait he would get me into the OR and deliver my baby girl. He is truly an amazing doctor and I don't know how I would have made it through my second pregnancy without him.
Once Bella was home and I was doing the same things I did with Kaleb I realized I needed to deal with what had happened. We went to the walk to remember like we did every year since Kaleb was 3 weeks old. This time i had a 2 week old Bella. The lady that organizes the walk runs a support group. I had known about it since the first time went to the walk but i never went. I finally went, I took Bella with me because I couldnt leave her. I went every month and finally when Bella was 3 months old I went for the first time without taking her. It was a big step. I still go sometimes when I can.

I now feel the urge to take my horrible experience and use it to help others. I dont know exacatly what that will look like yet. But i hope to figure it out soon. This blog is my first step. I am hopeful that people will find it and somehow it will help them. I know from experience that it is just nice to have someone who knows a little bit about your pain. To know that you are not alone.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Why I am doing this...

So, I figured it would make sense that my first post would be to explain why I am starting this blog.

Plain and simple, I want to help people. I want to support people who have suffered a loss, specifically the loss of a baby. I am not an out going person I am really very shy. I struggle with talking to new people or even going up to someone I know if they are around people I don't know. It took me 3 1/2 years to be able to talk about what happened to me. Still there are very few people who know the whole story. I have played with and researched ideas of ways to help. I have looked for support groups and was astounded at the lack of support there is for greiving parents. The subject is taboo, no one wants to hear something so sad or horrible. The news slams famous people for the way they grieve their children. The story of the Duggars breaks my heart. I may not agree with their beliefs or all the things they do but they have survived a lot in the last 3 years and they have shared it with the world, I couldn't do that, I have a lot of respect for their ability to share the way they have.

My journey started in February 2008. It never occurred to me that I would have anything other than an ideal, fairy tale pregnancy, I would have a healthy baby and it would all be so easy and magical...Wrong! I found out at 13 weeks that I was having twins. This possibility never entered my mind. I was terrified, my husband was terrified. But we knew it would be ok. We started planning, we picked names Baby A would be Jacob and Baby B would be Kaleb. I dreamed about their room I ordered their bedding sets And I bought letters to paint and hang above their cribs. I was secretly afraid I would mix them up so I wanted their names above their cribs. I painted them myself, I had so much fun. It started around the 4th of July I wasn't feeling them move anymore. The doctor told me to go in to NW women's center just to have them check. I was there for a few hours. We listened to their heart beats on the monitor and they did an ultra sound. They told me everything was fine that there wasn't a problem. The next day, a Sunday, the on call doctor from my OB called and told me she was reviewing my ultra sound and something didn't look right. She told me I needed to go to labor and delivery triage at UMC and ask to see Dr Macuilla that she had called and told them I would be coming. My parents went with me, I was oblivious just telling myself everything was fine, it was denial. They spent hours trying to find Jacobs heartbeat, numerous nurses and residents all suddenly avoiding eye contact and quickly leaving to ask someone else. Finally Dr Macuilla came in, he was the one that had to confirm what everyone already knew, except me, he had to tell me my son had died, his heart was no longer beating and they had no idea why. I was 27 weeks. They ran tests drew so much blood I thought I wouldn't have any left. Everything was "normal" they had no reason only guesses. I had steroid shots to develop Kaleb's lungs faster and the next 8 weeks were consumed with doctor appointments, Thursday afternoons were my check up, they always did an ultra sound. Fridays I had blood drawn to make sure that Jacobs body wasn't starting to poison me. Monday Wednesday and Fridays I went for non stress tests not to count all the times my mom dropped whatever she was doing because I was in a full on panic because Kaleb hadn't moved for 30 minutes and she would rush me to UMC so they could tell me he was fine and he always was. I went into labor at 34 weeks, farther than they thought I would go. I spent 39 horrible hours in labor, it was traumatic, I am still not comfortable discussing most of my labor. I was 35 weeks the day after my labor started. On the morning of September 10 I had been at 8 1/2 cm for a good 10 hours, finally my water broke. 20 minutes later the most terrifying 3 minutes of my life happened. Monitors started beeping loudly and doctors and nurses came running in my room handing me papers to sign and saying I was having a c-section that Kaleb was in trouble. I was put completely asleep. I did not hear his first cry. I was told that it was very loud. Kaleb weighed in at 4 lbs 4 oz and 13 in long. He spent 3 hours in the NICU but then they let him go to the nursery. Thanks to the steroid shots I had gotten his lungs were developed. Jacob was 1 lb 7 oz. I made the heart wrenching decision to not see Jacob. I regret this every day. He would not have looked like a normal 27 week baby he had died 8 weeks earlier and I didn't want to remember him that way. I filled out 2 birth certificates and 1 death certificate. A parent should never have to fill out a death certificate for the child that never got to take a breath, it took me days to fill it out but I couldnt leave the hospital until I had. My life was never the same and never will be. I miss my son every day and wish he was here to turn 4 with Kaleb. I do everything a little bit different because he lived, even for such a short time. The phrase "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep." Is written on his urn, that is why it means so much to me. Intake comfort in the fact that he is with the Lord happy and free from pain or sadness.

"...The Lord gave and The Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of The Lord" Job 1:21


I am pretty sure this post is long enough. Next I will share how he has affect my life both for the positive and the negative.