My story

I have been working hard as one of Arizona's state leaders. We are getting close to the deadline on June 20th at midnight to reach 100,000 pledges. Friday morning the makers of Return To Zero have an important meeting with some people in Hollywood that have seen the film and are interested in it. We are at 80,685 pledges that leaves 19,315 pledges to go. So I thought that I would make this a little more personal by sharing my story. When I first started this blog a shared my story but since then only bits and pieces. So here it is:

My journey started in February 2008. It never occurred to me that I would have anything other than an ideal, fairy tale pregnancy, I would have a healthy baby and it would all be so easy and magical...Wrong! I found out at 13 weeks that I was having twins. This possibility never entered my mind. I was terrified, and Josh was terrified. But we knew it would be ok. We started planning, we picked names Baby A would be Jacob and Baby B would be Kaleb. I dreamed about their room I ordered their bedding sets And I bought letters to paint and hang above their cribs. I was secretly afraid I would mix them up so I wanted their names above their cribs. I painted them myself, I had so much fun. It started around the 4th of July I wasn't feeling them move anymore. The doctor told me to go in to NW women's center just to have them check. I was there for a few hours. We listened to their heart beats on the monitor and they did an ultra sound. They told me everything was fine that there wasn't a problem. The next day, a Sunday, the on call doctor from my OB called and told me she was reviewing my ultra sound and something didn't look right. She told me I needed to go to labor and delivery triage at UMC and ask to see Dr Macuilla that she had called and told them I would be coming. My parents went with me, I was oblivious just telling myself everything was fine, it was denial. They spent hours trying to find Jacobs heartbeat, numerous nurses and residents all suddenly avoiding eye contact and quickly leaving to ask someone else. Finally Dr Macuilla came in, he was the one that had to confirm what everyone already knew, except me, he had to tell me my son had died, his heart was no longer beating and they had no idea why. I was 27 weeks. They ran tests drew so much blood I thought I wouldn't have any left. Everything was "normal" they had no reason only guesses. I had steroid shots to develop Kaleb's lungs faster and the next 8 weeks were consumed with doctor appointments, Thursday afternoons were my check up, they always did an ultra sound. Fridays I had blood drawn to make sure that Jacobs body wasn't starting to poison me. Monday Wednesday and Fridays I went for non stress tests not to count all the times my mom dropped whatever she was doing because I was in a full on panic because Kaleb hadn't moved for 30 minutes and she would rush me to UMC so they could tell me he was fine and he always was. I went into labor at 34 weeks, farther than they thought I would go. I spent 39 horrible hours in labor, it was traumatic, I am still not comfortable discussing most of my labor. I was 35 weeks the day after my labor started. On the morning of September 10 I had been at 8 1/2 cm for a good 10 hours, finally my water broke. 20 minutes later the most terrifying 3 minutes of my life happened. Monitors started beeping loudly and doctors and nurses came running in my room handing me papers to sign and saying I was having a c-section that Kaleb was in trouble. I was put completely asleep. I did not hear his first cry. I was told that it was very loud. Kaleb weighed in at 4 lbs 4 oz and 13 in long. He spent 3 hours in the NICU but then they let him go to the nursery. Thanks to the steroid shots I had gotten his lungs were developed. Jacob was 1 lb 7 oz. I made the heart wrenching decision to not see Jacob. I regret this every day. He would not have looked like a normal 27 week baby he had died 8 weeks earlier and I didn't want to remember him that way. I filled out 2 birth certificates and 1 death certificate. A parent should never have to fill out a death certificate for the child that never got to take a breath, it took me days to fill it out but I couldnt leave the hospital until I had. My life was never the same and never will be. I miss my son every day and wish he was here to turn 5 with Kaleb. I do everything a little bit different because he lived, even for such a short time. The phrase "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep." Is written on his urn, that is why it means so much to me. I take comfort in the fact that he is with the Lord happy and free from pain or sadness.

"...The Lord gave and The Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of The Lord" Job 1:21

Will you please pledge to see the first movie made with stillbirth as the main topic Return To Zero.

Just click the link below and put my name (Gillian Algar) as you local leader.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1

Be Joyful In All Things

^" Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances;  for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."   1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I think one of the most difficult things in life is being joyful when something horrible is happening. No matter who you are or what you have been through you can relate to that in some way. I have been working on being joyful in the loss of my son. Don't get me wrong, I am not jumping up and down all excited. To me being joyful is about turning the bad into good. I have never experienced a greater pain than the moment that the doctor told me that Jacob's heart had stopped, at that time being joyful was the last thing I thought I would ever be. I felt that way for a long time after. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized that I needed to stop being angry and start being joyful.
Being joyful in the loss of a baby is very difficult. I would give it all up to have him here to hold and tuck in at night. To me finding the joy is making a difference. Supporting others who have experienced the loss of a child.
I have been thinking about it for awhile and I think that when God gives us difficult situations and things that are hard to handle it is to bring us closer to him. He wants to strengthen our faith and trust in him. I am trying everyday to learn to be joyful in my situation.

Oh my goodness!

OH MY GOODNESS!!
I can not explain how excited I am inside about all that is happening. For the longest time I thought I should start a non profit or something to honor my son but now I have discovered so many organizations a projects I can throw myself into, I am overflowing with gratitude.
My newest mission is to learn some things about photography. I am have just started volunteering in community out reach for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep but I would love to be  a photographer for them.
I am also a local leader for the movie Return To Zero. I know I have talked about it a few times, it is something very near and dear to my heart, it is about a little boy that is stillborn and the effect it has on the couple. I would love to see this movie come to theaters, it will shatter the silence that surrounds baby loss. Sherokee Ilse emailed ME about brainstorming together on ways to get more pledges in Tucson. Most of you wont know who she is but to me she is a hero and someone I really look up to and admire. I almost cried when I saw the email.
The other thing I am super excited about is the opportunity to work with that fantastic people of Now I Lay My Down To Sleep photography. I wish I had had that opportunity when my son was born, although if I was being really honest I doubt I would have done it.
I just wanted to share how excited I am with the way things are working out. I am learning to how to let Jacobs light shine through me and my life.

Below is the link to pledge to see Return To Zero. PLEASE fill out the short form and help us make a difference!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform