My goal

I want to start a non profit that offers support groups and other types of support for parents, grandparents, siblings...anyone who has had the loss of a baby effect them. There is only one, that's right ONE, support group that meets once a mouth in Tucson. Many places have none. It is a hard subject I understand that it took me 3 years to talk to others about what happened but people should feel that it is ok to talk about it. It actually helps. Although I am much better about being open with my feelings when I am typing a blog on my phone.
All the news and media make fun of people or ridicule them for the way they grieve. I think this is a lot of the reason that people don't feel comfortable talking about it. I mentioned the Duggar family in a previous post, I admire them. I don't share their strict views or want to have 20 children but the way they share these intimate heart breaking times with the world is admirable. They do it to encourage people and try and help them. I was horrified with the way the public and media tried to portray them when a picture of their tiny daughters hand was released. I was so angry. How would they feel if someone acted that way about their child, I can bet they wouldn't be ok with it.
Ok, I got off subject, I want their to be the support people need when they need it. This is going to be a long process but I believe it will be well worth the work. I have been reading a lot online about starting a non profit and it will take a lot of time but in the end if I can help someone then it will all be worth it.

They grow up to fast

It is hard to believe that Kaleb turned 4 this year. Now to make it worse I had to buy his jeans in the boys section. No more toddler or baby section for him! I have to admit I almost cried....OK I cried a little. He is such a little boy now, no longer a baby or toddler. I still remember him as my fragile 4 pound 4 ounce baby that everyone was afraid to hold because he was so tiny.

                                                                   Kaleb 2 days old

Where does the time go? How does it go so fast? While we are in the moment and exhausted with a newborn it feels like every day lasts forever, then all of a sudden they are 4!

On the same note, Bella is 13 months. She is walking all over, not really talking but she is good at getting across what she wants with hand signals and yelling.

                                         Kaleb and Bella the first morning that Bella and I were home
                                                              (4 days old,3years old)

He would watch her and ask me if she was ever going to do anything. He told me she was boring because all she did was lay there. Now that she is walking and into all his toys  i think he wishes she would just lay there and be "boring" they are so cute together when they sit and play nicely.
I love my kids, they are my world. Even when they are making me crazy. They truly do gow up WAY to fast.

An unexpected, amazing gift

While I was pregnant with Bella I was in a very minor finder bender, every one was fine the police weren't even called. Since I was so over anxious I asked my mom to go with me to make sure everything was fine with the baby. When we got there according to the NST i was having contractions, But i knew they were not real ones the real ones feel different. Since i was 37 weeks along they said i had to stay for 24 hours of monitoring to make sure i wasn't going into labor. They took me to a room and the nurse came in to do all the admittance paperwork. What had happened in my previous pregnancy is all over my paperwork and she started asking me questions about it. The one the stuck the most in my mind was her asking me which labor and delivery room i was in, i didnt remember the room number but i told her where the room was. She looked and me and started crying, She told me she was Jacob's nurse when he was born. She remembered the whole situation down to the room i was in before the emergency c-section. I of course started crying. I couldnt believe that this nurse had held my son. She had taken care of my baby. She had been the one to weight him and measure him and wrap him in a little blanket. I was crying uncontrollably and at that point my mom walks back in the room and see's me sobbing the nurse crying and hugging me and I told her she was going to hear something amazing and that she was going to cry to, and she did. She asked about Kaleb because even though she wasn't his nurse she was there when he was born and remembered him and his loud set of lungs. I don't know how long we sat there talking, crying, and looking at pictures. It was such an amazing gift for me to meet her, I was put to sleep right away so I don't have any memory of anything after they wheeled me into the OR so I didn't remember her from that day, but she sure remembered me and my little boys.
It was about 2 weeks later and I was at UMC bright and early for Bella's planned C-section and the same nurse saw I was there so she came in for a few minutes when her shift was over and we talked and she saw Josh again and hugged him. I was so disappointed she had worked the night shift so she couldn't be the nurse for Bella. But she was so wonderful. She was truly a blessing and this will always be one of my favorite memories.


Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice,and let them say among the nations, "The Lord reigns!"

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;for his steadfast love endures forever!
1 Chronicles 16:31, 34

Walk to Remember

Each year on the first Saturday of October the footprints support group hosted the "walk to remember" we have gone every year since October 2008. This year for the first time in 10 years they did not have it. I was very disappointed. There is something special about getting together with all these people that you have seen the years before and celebrating and remembering every ones babies. So this year we went ourselves. we brought our own baloons and we did the walk just the 4 of us. It was still special. we were not suprised that we were not the only ones with this idea. There were 4 other families there also.

                                           The kids by the wall where Jacob's name is engraved.

 

 

We did our own baloon release. This was always one of my favorite parts of the walk to remember.

 

 

 

I am extremly hopeful that next year they will have the walk to remember again.

 

 

Controlling the situation

In one of my previous posts I mentioned not being able to control what happened. A few people have speculated and thought that I had PTSD. I have never gone and been diagnosed or even attended counseling for his death, but the people who have speculated this are in or around these fields. I have had to work very hard to live "normally." I still struggle with it on a daily basis. I have anxiety about almost everything that has to do with my children. It was so bad when Kaleb was little that I unfortunately passed a lot of it onto him. I realized what I had done and started working with him on it about a year ago and he is now going to Sunday school and not screaming until he throws up when I leave. With the exception of Sunday school no one has ever watched Kaleb or bella with out me there except their dad or my mom and dad. And to be totally truthful I have bad anxiety as soon as I leave Kaleb on Sundays but I am good at getting it under control and even better at hiding it.
Control is the other big problem for me. I need to be in control or at least feel like I am. If I start feeling out of control I get very anxious and I get angry then I just shut down. The out of control feeling is the hardest one for me to deal with or to hide. I have successfully managed to manipulate almost every part of my life so that I don't feel out of control...I guess that is my way of dealing with it.
I have read stories of other people who have suffered from the same troubles after the loss of a child. At least I am not alone. It is very easy to feel like no one understands. That is why I started this blog, I want people to know that even though our situations a different I still understand the pain of losing a child. Knowing that you are not alone is a great feeling.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

Anger & God

I wasn't given a reason right away when Jacob passed away. It is so hard to not know why. I needed something to blame it on. I think that is a natural feeling. I wanted to know why. The eventual reason thay gave was that it was a cord accident, meaning that the cord was pinched, tied in a knot or wrapped around his neck. They would have been able to see on the ultra sound if it had been wrapped around his neck so in this case it was either pinched or tied in a knot. There is nothing that can prevent this and nothing I could have done to cause it. That's is a horrible feeling. I was completely out of control of the situation. I blamed God. I was very angry at God. I steped away from my faith because I couldn't handle the thought that God would have let my baby die, that he would leave me in so much pain. I blamed him for everything. After awhile the anger subsided and I just ignored him. I refused to pray or talk to God in anyway, I didn't read my bible and I very rarely went to church.
It was weird, one day I realized I was talking to God again. I can't pin point a specific time or event that caused it. I was still hurting but I had finally stopped blaming him. I take comfort that my son is in heaven. It is hard for me to imagine what it would be like or how I would feel if didn't have that comfort. One of my grandmothers passed away 7 months before Jacob did and I always loved the thought of him in heaven with her, I imagine her sitting in a rocking chair rocking him and of course keeping socks on his feet. My other grandmother passed away last July and now I have the same image of her rocking him and singing old hymns that she loved to him. Now that I am not as angry I can take comfort in these things.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

Dealing with Denial

Once the boys were born and I had brought Kaleb home from the hospital I wouldnt let him go. He was never out of my sight. I rarely slept, I would watch him sleep to make sure he was ok. My world revolved around Kaleb. I became a pro at ignoring what had happened. I told myself if i didnt think about it it wouldnt hurt....not true. The pain manifests in other ways. We had to decide what to do with Jacobs body...I wasnt prepared for this, but now i am glad we did. He was cremated and i have a tiny little urn. For 31/2 years it sat on a special shelf in Kaleb's room. Now it sits on a shelf in the living room with pictures of Kaleb and Bella. This became important to me about a month ago, I wanted all my babies on one shelf. We bought a small box to put the urn in and we attached the pin we got at the first walk to remember, it has the day he died and the day he was born written on it.



It is amazing how once something has happened to you, it can change your reaction to even the smallest things, things that you never would have paid much attention to before. I still have trouble 4 years later when i see someone that is pregnant with twins, when i see twins, most painfully identical twin boys. That is what I should have had, and it is like a stabbing feeling in my gut.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with Bella that all my avoidance came crashing down on me. I was terrified! My fantastic doctor grandfathered me into being his patient again. He didn't have to, he is a perinatologist and my "normal" pregnancy was not something he had to take. He classified me as high risk because of my previous pregnancy so the insurance wouldn't question my seeing him. He let me have appointments every two weeks and he did an ultra sound every time just to make me feel better. All the staff at UMC were so kind and understanding. I would panic and my mom would take me to the triage and they would do a non stress test to show me everything was fine. Her room was never decorated, just simply a crib and changing table, she was not named until 3 days before she was born, we were scared, although this was not spoken at the time. We both knew what it was...fear. I was scared of labor I knew I couldn't emotionally handle it, we opted for a planned c-section. And my doctor promised me that if I did go into labor before then that he wouldn't make me wait he would get me into the OR and deliver my baby girl. He is truly an amazing doctor and I don't know how I would have made it through my second pregnancy without him.
Once Bella was home and I was doing the same things I did with Kaleb I realized I needed to deal with what had happened. We went to the walk to remember like we did every year since Kaleb was 3 weeks old. This time i had a 2 week old Bella. The lady that organizes the walk runs a support group. I had known about it since the first time went to the walk but i never went. I finally went, I took Bella with me because I couldnt leave her. I went every month and finally when Bella was 3 months old I went for the first time without taking her. It was a big step. I still go sometimes when I can.

I now feel the urge to take my horrible experience and use it to help others. I dont know exacatly what that will look like yet. But i hope to figure it out soon. This blog is my first step. I am hopeful that people will find it and somehow it will help them. I know from experience that it is just nice to have someone who knows a little bit about your pain. To know that you are not alone.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5