October 2013

It has been a few months since I have written. Life just got to busy. I decided October was a good month to get back to writing in here.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Most people know nothing about it. It doesn't get the attention that other awareness months do. This does not make It less important. There are walks that take place all over the county, even the world. This year I am very excited to be participating in the OC Walk To Remember. There are going to be people there that I admire for their work in the baby loss community and I am excited at the opportunity to meet them. One of them is Carly Marie, she is the one that took the photos with my sons name in the sand on the beach.  

I am also participating in capture your grief 2013. There is a different photo subject for all 31 days of October. October 1 is day one and the subject is sunrise. I used a photo that I took on te last morning we were at the beach in Texas. It was a beautiful sunrise. 

I am going to try and write about and share each photo for te 31 days. It will be a fun journey. I am also looking forward to sharing about my experience going to the OC walk to remember and the walk to remember they will hold here at children's memorial park. 

5 years

It's hard to believe that it has been five years. On this day five years ago my life changed forever, I will never be the same person I was before July 6th 2008. As I layed in the triage at UMC labor and delivery wondering what was going on, why everyone was avoiding eye contact with me and not smiling it never occurred to me that one of my babies wasn't ok. I had been worried a couple days before because I wasn't feeling them move, but the night before the doctors at Northwest told me everything was fine so when I got the call that I needs to go to UMC labor and delivery I didn't know why but I was naive enough to still think that all was fine. There are 7 words no mother wants to here: "your babies heart is no longer beating." After hearing those words I just remember screaming and crying and screaming. It is a feeling that is undiscribable and unimaginable to those who are lucky enough to never experience it. 

I managed to make it through work today and then spent the evening at children's memorial park with my strong surviving twin Kaleb and my precious full if life Bella. We wrote messages on balloons and sent them up into the sky then sat in the grass and ate candy. 

My story

I have been working hard as one of Arizona's state leaders. We are getting close to the deadline on June 20th at midnight to reach 100,000 pledges. Friday morning the makers of Return To Zero have an important meeting with some people in Hollywood that have seen the film and are interested in it. We are at 80,685 pledges that leaves 19,315 pledges to go. So I thought that I would make this a little more personal by sharing my story. When I first started this blog a shared my story but since then only bits and pieces. So here it is:

My journey started in February 2008. It never occurred to me that I would have anything other than an ideal, fairy tale pregnancy, I would have a healthy baby and it would all be so easy and magical...Wrong! I found out at 13 weeks that I was having twins. This possibility never entered my mind. I was terrified, and Josh was terrified. But we knew it would be ok. We started planning, we picked names Baby A would be Jacob and Baby B would be Kaleb. I dreamed about their room I ordered their bedding sets And I bought letters to paint and hang above their cribs. I was secretly afraid I would mix them up so I wanted their names above their cribs. I painted them myself, I had so much fun. It started around the 4th of July I wasn't feeling them move anymore. The doctor told me to go in to NW women's center just to have them check. I was there for a few hours. We listened to their heart beats on the monitor and they did an ultra sound. They told me everything was fine that there wasn't a problem. The next day, a Sunday, the on call doctor from my OB called and told me she was reviewing my ultra sound and something didn't look right. She told me I needed to go to labor and delivery triage at UMC and ask to see Dr Macuilla that she had called and told them I would be coming. My parents went with me, I was oblivious just telling myself everything was fine, it was denial. They spent hours trying to find Jacobs heartbeat, numerous nurses and residents all suddenly avoiding eye contact and quickly leaving to ask someone else. Finally Dr Macuilla came in, he was the one that had to confirm what everyone already knew, except me, he had to tell me my son had died, his heart was no longer beating and they had no idea why. I was 27 weeks. They ran tests drew so much blood I thought I wouldn't have any left. Everything was "normal" they had no reason only guesses. I had steroid shots to develop Kaleb's lungs faster and the next 8 weeks were consumed with doctor appointments, Thursday afternoons were my check up, they always did an ultra sound. Fridays I had blood drawn to make sure that Jacobs body wasn't starting to poison me. Monday Wednesday and Fridays I went for non stress tests not to count all the times my mom dropped whatever she was doing because I was in a full on panic because Kaleb hadn't moved for 30 minutes and she would rush me to UMC so they could tell me he was fine and he always was. I went into labor at 34 weeks, farther than they thought I would go. I spent 39 horrible hours in labor, it was traumatic, I am still not comfortable discussing most of my labor. I was 35 weeks the day after my labor started. On the morning of September 10 I had been at 8 1/2 cm for a good 10 hours, finally my water broke. 20 minutes later the most terrifying 3 minutes of my life happened. Monitors started beeping loudly and doctors and nurses came running in my room handing me papers to sign and saying I was having a c-section that Kaleb was in trouble. I was put completely asleep. I did not hear his first cry. I was told that it was very loud. Kaleb weighed in at 4 lbs 4 oz and 13 in long. He spent 3 hours in the NICU but then they let him go to the nursery. Thanks to the steroid shots I had gotten his lungs were developed. Jacob was 1 lb 7 oz. I made the heart wrenching decision to not see Jacob. I regret this every day. He would not have looked like a normal 27 week baby he had died 8 weeks earlier and I didn't want to remember him that way. I filled out 2 birth certificates and 1 death certificate. A parent should never have to fill out a death certificate for the child that never got to take a breath, it took me days to fill it out but I couldnt leave the hospital until I had. My life was never the same and never will be. I miss my son every day and wish he was here to turn 5 with Kaleb. I do everything a little bit different because he lived, even for such a short time. The phrase "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep." Is written on his urn, that is why it means so much to me. I take comfort in the fact that he is with the Lord happy and free from pain or sadness.

"...The Lord gave and The Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of The Lord" Job 1:21

Will you please pledge to see the first movie made with stillbirth as the main topic Return To Zero.

Just click the link below and put my name (Gillian Algar) as you local leader.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1

Be Joyful In All Things

^" Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances;  for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."   1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I think one of the most difficult things in life is being joyful when something horrible is happening. No matter who you are or what you have been through you can relate to that in some way. I have been working on being joyful in the loss of my son. Don't get me wrong, I am not jumping up and down all excited. To me being joyful is about turning the bad into good. I have never experienced a greater pain than the moment that the doctor told me that Jacob's heart had stopped, at that time being joyful was the last thing I thought I would ever be. I felt that way for a long time after. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized that I needed to stop being angry and start being joyful.
Being joyful in the loss of a baby is very difficult. I would give it all up to have him here to hold and tuck in at night. To me finding the joy is making a difference. Supporting others who have experienced the loss of a child.
I have been thinking about it for awhile and I think that when God gives us difficult situations and things that are hard to handle it is to bring us closer to him. He wants to strengthen our faith and trust in him. I am trying everyday to learn to be joyful in my situation.

Oh my goodness!

OH MY GOODNESS!!
I can not explain how excited I am inside about all that is happening. For the longest time I thought I should start a non profit or something to honor my son but now I have discovered so many organizations a projects I can throw myself into, I am overflowing with gratitude.
My newest mission is to learn some things about photography. I am have just started volunteering in community out reach for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep but I would love to be  a photographer for them.
I am also a local leader for the movie Return To Zero. I know I have talked about it a few times, it is something very near and dear to my heart, it is about a little boy that is stillborn and the effect it has on the couple. I would love to see this movie come to theaters, it will shatter the silence that surrounds baby loss. Sherokee Ilse emailed ME about brainstorming together on ways to get more pledges in Tucson. Most of you wont know who she is but to me she is a hero and someone I really look up to and admire. I almost cried when I saw the email.
The other thing I am super excited about is the opportunity to work with that fantastic people of Now I Lay My Down To Sleep photography. I wish I had had that opportunity when my son was born, although if I was being really honest I doubt I would have done it.
I just wanted to share how excited I am with the way things are working out. I am learning to how to let Jacobs light shine through me and my life.

Below is the link to pledge to see Return To Zero. PLEASE fill out the short form and help us make a difference!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform

Return To Zero pledge Drive

There is an amazing film that has been made called Return To Zero. It is based on the true story of the stillbirth of the writer/directors son. It is the first movie of its kind that is being made. It has a wonderful cast including Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein. This is something that is very close to my heart because I have experienced the pain of stillbirth and also the pain of trying to live life after a stillbirth. This movie is raw and emotional and important for the world to see. It is a glimpse into this amazing community of baby loss. There is so much support surrounding this movie because to this community it is a huge way to break the silence and make the subject of baby loss less taboo. I decided to become a local leader and the first goal is the get 100 people to pledge to see Return To Zero its opening weekend I have 27 days left to accomplish this. Could everyone please pledge to see it and put my name in when it asks who your local leaser is? For those of you that read this and done actually know me my name is Gillian Algar.  Below is the link to the form.
Thank You!!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform

My miracle baby

Having a surviving twin is a miracle. It is a daily reminder that just because something horrible happens doesn't mean that there isn't any good. I LOVE Kaleb I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have him. I also can not imagine what it would be like if both Kaleb and Jacob were alive. Kaleb is my little miracle. at 27 weeks Jacobs heart stopped and none of the doctors knew why. They didn't know if the same would happen to Kaleb. They were making guesses and taking preventative measures for all of the guesses. I had steroid shots to help develop Kalebs lungs quicker, I had blood drawn every Friday and I had at least 3 ultra sounds a week. In reality I probably had one nearly every day because I was always having panic attacks and going in to be checked at all hours of the day and night and they knew to always do any ultra sound because seeing his heart beating and him in there was pretty much the only thing that calmed me down. Beating all the odds I carried both boys, one living and one not, another 8 weeks. After 39 hours of painful and scary labor Kalebs heart couldn't take it, I have had suspicions that his heart stopped but no one would tell me that just that his heart had slowed. But in my thinking you don't have multiple doctors and nurses running in and telling you that you are having a C-section NOW without a serious reason. whatever the reason they were all running. From the time they started wheeling me out of my labor room to go to the OR it was 4 1/2 minutes until they had Kaleb out. From my understanding that is record time. I was told that little boy came out screaming, what I would give to hear his first cry is a very long list. He was so tiny, weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds 4 ounces and 13 inches long he had no fat on him. But he is the cutest little thing. He had to spend three hours in the NICU but the saw nothing wrong with him, nothing that is normally wrong with a baby born at just barely 35 weeks. I have known babies born a week or two later than him that haven't been developed enough and had to spend time in the NICU. Talk about a blessing. Sometimes I wonder if he was so perfect because God knew that it would be to much for me not to have him with me but to have to leave him in the NICU. But really who knows. Kaleb is my little miracle. I look at how big he has gotten and how he is such a little boy now instead of a baby or a toddler and I just want to cry. I could have so easily lost him to. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through if they both were stillborn. At times I don't know how I have survived Jacob being stillborn. On days when I have to work just to keep breathing though the pain I look at Kaleb and remember that it wasn't all bad. September 10 2008 I lost a huge chunk of me when only one little boy got to take that first breath and cry. Part of me was pretending that it wasn't real until I was no longer pregnant and felt so empty.
I have often wondered and dreamed while asleep what life would be like with both of them here. Would my marriage have been different? Would I still have Bella? But for the first time the other day I wondered what it would have been like if Jacob had been the one to live. Luckily I was alone in the car because I burst into tears at the thought of not having Kaleb. I wondered what his personality would have been like, would he have been loud and talkative or quiet? would he have liked the same things that Kaleb likes? All these questions swirl around in my head enough to drive a normal person mad. But I don't think I am normal, I have experienced the unimaginable and I am still able to walk and breath. These will be thoughts that stay with me forever. The loss of a baby is a dream cut short. I look at Kaleb and become overwhelmed with Gods grace and mercy because he let my little boy take this first breath and LIVE. Everyday I grieve the loss of Jacob but I celebrate the life that is my precious miracle Kaleb.

May 5 2013 I Am Still Standing

Kaleb 6 hours old with his Uncle Geoff I love this picture

Kaleb 5 days old, He had actually gained weight :)

This was the first time I had included them in the same picture. It was taken at Children's Memorial Park. The J is from the letters I had painted to hang above his crib before he passed away. 

 

The hardest question to...

For most people the question "how many children do you have?" Is an easy answer. When I am asked that question I cringe inside. I always answer 2. If I have recently met someone and they ask about my children how can I answer 3? Then I would have to tell everyone I met this painful very personal story.
Every time I answer 2 I get this heartbreaking pain in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I am not being fair to him. Like I am hurting him somehow. I start getting anxious and feel insecure. I actually started writing this post a couple weeks ago and since then I watched a google hangout with a group of amazing women. they talked about this subject and how they answer this question. One lady said that she always answers with the word living. I have been thinking about trying this. when someone asks me I will say "I have two living children" this lets them know that I have more children and that at some point for some reason they are not longer living. It doesn't require a long explanation or an awkward moment while they try and figure out where my third child is. I don't know about everyone but I don't just share my story with anyone. It isn't "casual conversation" I heard someone say that and I loved it. It perfectly describes how I feel on the subject. The death of my son isn't casual conversation, It is heart breaking and painful every time I talk about it.
Just a little food for thought: next time you ask someone how many children they have, realize that for some people that is an awful question and answering it isn't as easy and saying a number.

Blankets and Care Packages

Today I started sewing my first baby blanket for the care packages. I have been collecting fabric and spending hours on pinterest looking for blanket patterns I want to use. I tried to figure out how to use my Grandmothers sewing machine but didn't have much luck. So I finally got a new one. It isn't nearly as fancy as hers but I guess that is a good thing since I couldn't figure hers out. :) But since hers was mounted inside of a desk/table thing mine now sits on top with hers on the inside. Sewing was a large part of my grandmothers life and I remember so many things that I wore of decorated my room that she sewed. so having her a part of this is a big deal for me. Not many people know but my grandmother also had a baby that passed away, and like many they never really talked about it or shared it with many people. I don't think I knew until I was an adult. So even though my grandmother passed away almost two years ago I still want her to be involved.
I am so excited to be starting on this. It has been a dream for me for so long now. I hope this will turn into something bigger that I can get more people involved in and really start making a difference and raising awareness about baby loss. I have been tossing around ideas in my head about trying to donate to fire departments and such, but I think that is getting ahead of myself. For me this is the slow beginning to be big dream of starting a company or non profit to support others who have experienced the loss of their child.

Bringing awareness and memorializing your baby

It is so important to bring awareness to the subject of stillbirth, infant loss, and miscarriage. Their are some really great organizations and projects happening that are breaking the silence.

I have read and heard allot recently about memorializing our children. I thought about it and realized I had done this is a couple ways.

The first way I did it was but having his name engraved on the wall at children's memorial park. I have his dad to thank for this. He pushed for us to have it done, i was busy hoping that if i ignored it the pain would go away..it didn't work. I am so thankful we did it. I go there and take the kids there all the time. Every holiday i take pictures of the kids there. It is so peaceful and wonderful.

Kaleb and Bella putting star stickers by his name (march 2013)

I also have a tattoo on my back. It has the phrase that is written on Jacobs urn and his initials in angel wings surrounding Kaleb's initials and their birth date.  I had it done in October 2010 and I have never regretted it.

 

 

Bringing awareness has also been a much talked about subject. This is a subject I love. There is no reason that a grieving parent, whether mom or dad, should have to feel uncomfortable talking about their child. It doesn't matter how long your baby lived, it is still a life and to you that is your child. I have my own quiet ways of bringing awareness my favorite is wearing t-shirts that support programs and cause people to ask me questions. But even if they don't ask a question they just read the shirt they still think about it and maybe 1 or 2 people will go home and google it and realize that their are allot more people out there that are grieving the loss of a baby than they even realized.

Their is a documentary being made that is about bringing awareness to the baby loss community and breaking the silence. The STILL Project is wonderful and I encourage everyone to 'like' them on facebook and check out their website www.stillproject.org

There is also a movie being made called Return To Zero starring Minnie Driver. It is based on the true story of writer/director Sean Hanish. How amazing would it be to have this movie in theaters around the country. Imagine all the eyes that would be opened to this subject. Please 'like' them on facebook and check out there website www.returntozerothemovie.com

 

 



Finding God again

 

"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now"

-Plumb," Need You Now"

 

 

 

How many times in the last few years have i been on my knees crying for God to take the pain away? Maybe far to many or maybe not enough. But I heard this song today while I was driving and it got me to thinking about my journey back to having faith in Jesus Christ.

 

I had fallen away many years earlier, Not intentionally it just happened gradually by making the wrong friends and making bad decisions. Getting pregnant was my dream come true. I never thought it would be anything except perfect with the perfect happy ending. I will never forget July 6th 2008 Hearing that your baby no longer has a heart beat instantly causes the most gut wrenching pain you can imagine. That little life that was still developing that had such promise that you dreamed about, you planned their future, you decorated their nursery...That precious little life was not going to grow up. After spending a week sobbing and staying in bed except for all the doctor appointments and tests I got ANGRY. I was so angry at God. I couldn't understand why he took my baby. I still had Kaleb, i still had to grow him inside of me for as long as possible.  He was what I was living for. When the day came that i went into labor it was terrifying. I knew that they would both be born and only one would take that first breath. I almost lost Kaleb at the end but he came out screaming..at least that is what I am told.

 

For years I stayed angry. I wouldn't talk to anyone about Jacob. I cant even describe how angry with God I was. I didn't talk about it. But every once in awhile I would just hide away and break down. I would grab my little Kaleb and hold my precious little miracle and just sob. I didn't know how to trust in a God that would take my baby. I spent years running from God. I would occasionally go to church but i would never open my heart i could never let him in. Eventually the whole little protected bubble I had made for myself fell apart. I was pregnant with Bella and I was terrified. I was so scared of something happening to her, I just wanted her to be born alive. I just wanted her to breath and she did! she was healthy and born at almost twice the size Kaleb was born at. Once she was a few weeks old I started going to a support group and learned that I was not alone, There were more people like me. Ours stories may be different but we share a bond. One time i heard it described as the club that no one wants to be a part of...SO TRUE! I have often heard people say that every life has a purpose. Maybe Jacob's purpose was fulfilled just being here for those 27 weeks. Slowly I began to realize that I needed God and that being angry at him wouldn't change anything. I started reading my bible and praying again and it made a huge difference in how i felt.  I have a verse in Job that i cling to. I recite it when i am feeling down. It took me a long time to put my faith in God again. But i havent looked back since I did. On my down days I have him to cling to for comfort. I know my baby is in heaven.

This has been a very emotional week for me and it has taken me days to write this. I am sure it is rambling and probably written with a little ADD.

 



 

 



Today is the day I start making things happen!

For the last year i have been wanting to do something to make a difference in the baby loss community. It had been over whelming and I have had no idea where to begin. I watched the google hangout session yesterday with the people from the STILL project and a bunch of other very inspiring people and i was inspired. I realized you don't have to start big. If you start small and keep pushing it will end up big in time. I thought and prayed last night while laying in bed and came up with an idea, a very reasonable place to start. Making care packages to donate to the hospitals in Tucson and eventually in other parts of Arizona. I have been making lists of what to put in and questions to ask the hospitals, I feel like this is possible and the beginning of something great.

perth, Australia

There is a lady in Australia that is an artist and photographer. She makes these amazing photographs with your babies name. She writes the name in the sand and photographs it with the sunset. It is beautiful! There is a wait list that she only opens when there are few enough names on it. She had announced that the wait list would open. So I figured out the time difference between tucson Arizona and Perth Australia and sat waiting by the computer to order one. I couldnt be more excited! Every other day i check the wait list to see if he has moved up. Perth Australia has moved to number one on my list of places I want to go. I want to walk on the beach where his name was written, I want to sit in the sand and watch the waves. It is like he was there just for a moment. She wrote on her website that she thinks the children that belong to the names she is writing paint the colors of the sunset...what a neat thought. My son was cremated so I don't have a grave I can go to I think this causes me to look for special places to feel close to him. I go to children's memorial park all the time, I feel close to him there. His name will be on the beach in Australia just for a moment, I wish I could be there when it is written. Since that isn't possible someday I will visit that beach and write his name myself and be where he was just for a moment.

I am still standing

Have you ever read something, an article or a phrase that described something you had been through or were currently going through just perfectly? I have had this experience twice, the first time with just a short phrase " I am still standing" short and sweet just four words that described coming out the other side, the positive healing side, of losing a baby. I read this phrase and realized I am still standing. I am a better person. I have new goals and ambitions for my life that I never would have had before. The respect for a relatively small community of people who know the bone crushing feeling of having a baby pass away.
The second was on article that I read in an online magazine that I love.  It is titled "why nothing is impossible now" As I was reading it it was like I was reading exactly how I feel every day. It doesn't matter that is has been 4 years I still wake up in a dead panic during the night and go check on both kids just to make sure they are still there and still breathing.

"I used to believe if someone was pregnant, it meant a dimply, rubber band rolled baby at the end of it.
Before."

This sentence is me exactly. I was the epitome of optimism. Never once did I think I wouldn't have two healthy beautiful little boys at the end, no matter I was terrified of having twins I still never thought I wouldn't have two.  Now I am completely the opposite. When I was pregnant with my daughter I felt like I was just waiting for something to go wrong. I couldn't see the dimply baby at the end. I had a "normal" pregnancy with her she was healthy and big, but it didn't matter I was still sure that something would go wrong.
Once something happens to you that shakes you to your core you are never the same. I will never be the optimist of being pregnant, but I have learned how to handle it.

Here is a link to the article. it is fantastic.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/01/why-nothing-is-impossible-now/