There is an amazing film that has been made called Return To Zero. It is based on the true story of the stillbirth of the writer/directors son. It is the first movie of its kind that is being made. It has a wonderful cast including Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein. This is something that is very close to my heart because I have experienced the pain of stillbirth and also the pain of trying to live life after a stillbirth. This movie is raw and emotional and important for the world to see. It is a glimpse into this amazing community of baby loss. There is so much support surrounding this movie because to this community it is a huge way to break the silence and make the subject of baby loss less taboo. I decided to become a local leader and the first goal is the get 100 people to pledge to see Return To Zero its opening weekend I have 27 days left to accomplish this. Could everyone please pledge to see it and put my name in when it asks who your local leaser is? For those of you that read this and done actually know me my name is Gillian Algar. Below is the link to the form.
Thank You!!
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
My miracle baby
Having a surviving twin is a miracle. It is a daily reminder that just because something horrible happens doesn't mean that there isn't any good. I LOVE Kaleb I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have him. I also can not imagine what it would be like if both Kaleb and Jacob were alive. Kaleb is my little miracle. at 27 weeks Jacobs heart stopped and none of the doctors knew why. They didn't know if the same would happen to Kaleb. They were making guesses and taking preventative measures for all of the guesses. I had steroid shots to help develop Kalebs lungs quicker, I had blood drawn every Friday and I had at least 3 ultra sounds a week. In reality I probably had one nearly every day because I was always having panic attacks and going in to be checked at all hours of the day and night and they knew to always do any ultra sound because seeing his heart beating and him in there was pretty much the only thing that calmed me down. Beating all the odds I carried both boys, one living and one not, another 8 weeks. After 39 hours of painful and scary labor Kalebs heart couldn't take it, I have had suspicions that his heart stopped but no one would tell me that just that his heart had slowed. But in my thinking you don't have multiple doctors and nurses running in and telling you that you are having a C-section NOW without a serious reason. whatever the reason they were all running. From the time they started wheeling me out of my labor room to go to the OR it was 4 1/2 minutes until they had Kaleb out. From my understanding that is record time. I was told that little boy came out screaming, what I would give to hear his first cry is a very long list. He was so tiny, weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds 4 ounces and 13 inches long he had no fat on him. But he is the cutest little thing. He had to spend three hours in the NICU but the saw nothing wrong with him, nothing that is normally wrong with a baby born at just barely 35 weeks. I have known babies born a week or two later than him that haven't been developed enough and had to spend time in the NICU. Talk about a blessing. Sometimes I wonder if he was so perfect because God knew that it would be to much for me not to have him with me but to have to leave him in the NICU. But really who knows. Kaleb is my little miracle. I look at how big he has gotten and how he is such a little boy now instead of a baby or a toddler and I just want to cry. I could have so easily lost him to. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through if they both were stillborn. At times I don't know how I have survived Jacob being stillborn. On days when I have to work just to keep breathing though the pain I look at Kaleb and remember that it wasn't all bad. September 10 2008 I lost a huge chunk of me when only one little boy got to take that first breath and cry. Part of me was pretending that it wasn't real until I was no longer pregnant and felt so empty.
I have often wondered and dreamed while asleep what life would be like with both of them here. Would my marriage have been different? Would I still have Bella? But for the first time the other day I wondered what it would have been like if Jacob had been the one to live. Luckily I was alone in the car because I burst into tears at the thought of not having Kaleb. I wondered what his personality would have been like, would he have been loud and talkative or quiet? would he have liked the same things that Kaleb likes? All these questions swirl around in my head enough to drive a normal person mad. But I don't think I am normal, I have experienced the unimaginable and I am still able to walk and breath. These will be thoughts that stay with me forever. The loss of a baby is a dream cut short. I look at Kaleb and become overwhelmed with Gods grace and mercy because he let my little boy take this first breath and LIVE. Everyday I grieve the loss of Jacob but I celebrate the life that is my precious miracle Kaleb.
I have often wondered and dreamed while asleep what life would be like with both of them here. Would my marriage have been different? Would I still have Bella? But for the first time the other day I wondered what it would have been like if Jacob had been the one to live. Luckily I was alone in the car because I burst into tears at the thought of not having Kaleb. I wondered what his personality would have been like, would he have been loud and talkative or quiet? would he have liked the same things that Kaleb likes? All these questions swirl around in my head enough to drive a normal person mad. But I don't think I am normal, I have experienced the unimaginable and I am still able to walk and breath. These will be thoughts that stay with me forever. The loss of a baby is a dream cut short. I look at Kaleb and become overwhelmed with Gods grace and mercy because he let my little boy take this first breath and LIVE. Everyday I grieve the loss of Jacob but I celebrate the life that is my precious miracle Kaleb.
May 5 2013 I Am Still Standing
Kaleb 6 hours old with his Uncle Geoff I love this picture
Kaleb 5 days old, He had actually gained weight :)
This was the first time I had included them in the same picture. It was taken at Children's Memorial Park. The J is from the letters I had painted to hang above his crib before he passed away.
The hardest question to...
For most people the question "how many children do you have?" Is an easy answer. When I am asked that question I cringe inside. I always answer 2. If I have recently met someone and they ask about my children how can I answer 3? Then I would have to tell everyone I met this painful very personal story.
Every time I answer 2 I get this heartbreaking pain in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I am not being fair to him. Like I am hurting him somehow. I start getting anxious and feel insecure. I actually started writing this post a couple weeks ago and since then I watched a google hangout with a group of amazing women. they talked about this subject and how they answer this question. One lady said that she always answers with the word living. I have been thinking about trying this. when someone asks me I will say "I have two living children" this lets them know that I have more children and that at some point for some reason they are not longer living. It doesn't require a long explanation or an awkward moment while they try and figure out where my third child is. I don't know about everyone but I don't just share my story with anyone. It isn't "casual conversation" I heard someone say that and I loved it. It perfectly describes how I feel on the subject. The death of my son isn't casual conversation, It is heart breaking and painful every time I talk about it.
Just a little food for thought: next time you ask someone how many children they have, realize that for some people that is an awful question and answering it isn't as easy and saying a number.
Every time I answer 2 I get this heartbreaking pain in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I am not being fair to him. Like I am hurting him somehow. I start getting anxious and feel insecure. I actually started writing this post a couple weeks ago and since then I watched a google hangout with a group of amazing women. they talked about this subject and how they answer this question. One lady said that she always answers with the word living. I have been thinking about trying this. when someone asks me I will say "I have two living children" this lets them know that I have more children and that at some point for some reason they are not longer living. It doesn't require a long explanation or an awkward moment while they try and figure out where my third child is. I don't know about everyone but I don't just share my story with anyone. It isn't "casual conversation" I heard someone say that and I loved it. It perfectly describes how I feel on the subject. The death of my son isn't casual conversation, It is heart breaking and painful every time I talk about it.
Just a little food for thought: next time you ask someone how many children they have, realize that for some people that is an awful question and answering it isn't as easy and saying a number.
Blankets and Care Packages
Today I started sewing my first baby blanket for the care packages. I have been collecting fabric and spending hours on pinterest looking for blanket patterns I want to use. I tried to figure out how to use my Grandmothers sewing machine but didn't have much luck. So I finally got a new one. It isn't nearly as fancy as hers but I guess that is a good thing since I couldn't figure hers out. :) But since hers was mounted inside of a desk/table thing mine now sits on top with hers on the inside. Sewing was a large part of my grandmothers life and I remember so many things that I wore of decorated my room that she sewed. so having her a part of this is a big deal for me. Not many people know but my grandmother also had a baby that passed away, and like many they never really talked about it or shared it with many people. I don't think I knew until I was an adult. So even though my grandmother passed away almost two years ago I still want her to be involved.
I am so excited to be starting on this. It has been a dream for me for so long now. I hope this will turn into something bigger that I can get more people involved in and really start making a difference and raising awareness about baby loss. I have been tossing around ideas in my head about trying to donate to fire departments and such, but I think that is getting ahead of myself. For me this is the slow beginning to be big dream of starting a company or non profit to support others who have experienced the loss of their child.
I am so excited to be starting on this. It has been a dream for me for so long now. I hope this will turn into something bigger that I can get more people involved in and really start making a difference and raising awareness about baby loss. I have been tossing around ideas in my head about trying to donate to fire departments and such, but I think that is getting ahead of myself. For me this is the slow beginning to be big dream of starting a company or non profit to support others who have experienced the loss of their child.
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