Having a surviving twin is a miracle. It is a daily reminder that just because something horrible happens doesn't mean that there isn't any good. I LOVE Kaleb I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have him. I also can not imagine what it would be like if both Kaleb and Jacob were alive. Kaleb is my little miracle. at 27 weeks Jacobs heart stopped and none of the doctors knew why. They didn't know if the same would happen to Kaleb. They were making guesses and taking preventative measures for all of the guesses. I had steroid shots to help develop Kalebs lungs quicker, I had blood drawn every Friday and I had at least 3 ultra sounds a week. In reality I probably had one nearly every day because I was always having panic attacks and going in to be checked at all hours of the day and night and they knew to always do any ultra sound because seeing his heart beating and him in there was pretty much the only thing that calmed me down. Beating all the odds I carried both boys, one living and one not, another 8 weeks. After 39 hours of painful and scary labor Kalebs heart couldn't take it, I have had suspicions that his heart stopped but no one would tell me that just that his heart had slowed. But in my thinking you don't have multiple doctors and nurses running in and telling you that you are having a C-section NOW without a serious reason. whatever the reason they were all running. From the time they started wheeling me out of my labor room to go to the OR it was 4 1/2 minutes until they had Kaleb out. From my understanding that is record time. I was told that little boy came out screaming, what I would give to hear his first cry is a very long list. He was so tiny, weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds 4 ounces and 13 inches long he had no fat on him. But he is the cutest little thing. He had to spend three hours in the NICU but the saw nothing wrong with him, nothing that is normally wrong with a baby born at just barely 35 weeks. I have known babies born a week or two later than him that haven't been developed enough and had to spend time in the NICU. Talk about a blessing. Sometimes I wonder if he was so perfect because God knew that it would be to much for me not to have him with me but to have to leave him in the NICU. But really who knows. Kaleb is my little miracle. I look at how big he has gotten and how he is such a little boy now instead of a baby or a toddler and I just want to cry. I could have so easily lost him to. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through if they both were stillborn. At times I don't know how I have survived Jacob being stillborn. On days when I have to work just to keep breathing though the pain I look at Kaleb and remember that it wasn't all bad. September 10 2008 I lost a huge chunk of me when only one little boy got to take that first breath and cry. Part of me was pretending that it wasn't real until I was no longer pregnant and felt so empty.
I have often wondered and dreamed while asleep what life would be like with both of them here. Would my marriage have been different? Would I still have Bella? But for the first time the other day I wondered what it would have been like if Jacob had been the one to live. Luckily I was alone in the car because I burst into tears at the thought of not having Kaleb. I wondered what his personality would have been like, would he have been loud and talkative or quiet? would he have liked the same things that Kaleb likes? All these questions swirl around in my head enough to drive a normal person mad. But I don't think I am normal, I have experienced the unimaginable and I am still able to walk and breath. These will be thoughts that stay with me forever. The loss of a baby is a dream cut short. I look at Kaleb and become overwhelmed with Gods grace and mercy because he let my little boy take this first breath and LIVE. Everyday I grieve the loss of Jacob but I celebrate the life that is my precious miracle Kaleb.
May 5 2013 I Am Still Standing
Kaleb 6 hours old with his Uncle Geoff I love this picture
Kaleb 5 days old, He had actually gained weight :)
This was the first time I had included them in the same picture. It was taken at Children's Memorial Park. The J is from the letters I had painted to hang above his crib before he passed away.
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