In one of my previous posts I mentioned not being able to control what happened. A few people have speculated and thought that I had PTSD. I have never gone and been diagnosed or even attended counseling for his death, but the people who have speculated this are in or around these fields. I have had to work very hard to live "normally." I still struggle with it on a daily basis. I have anxiety about almost everything that has to do with my children. It was so bad when Kaleb was little that I unfortunately passed a lot of it onto him. I realized what I had done and started working with him on it about a year ago and he is now going to Sunday school and not screaming until he throws up when I leave. With the exception of Sunday school no one has ever watched Kaleb or bella with out me there except their dad or my mom and dad. And to be totally truthful I have bad anxiety as soon as I leave Kaleb on Sundays but I am good at getting it under control and even better at hiding it.
Control is the other big problem for me. I need to be in control or at least feel like I am. If I start feeling out of control I get very anxious and I get angry then I just shut down. The out of control feeling is the hardest one for me to deal with or to hide. I have successfully managed to manipulate almost every part of my life so that I don't feel out of control...I guess that is my way of dealing with it.
I have read stories of other people who have suffered from the same troubles after the loss of a child. At least I am not alone. It is very easy to feel like no one understands. That is why I started this blog, I want people to know that even though our situations a different I still understand the pain of losing a child. Knowing that you are not alone is a great feeling.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16
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