I wasn't given a reason right away when Jacob passed away. It is so hard to not know why. I needed something to blame it on. I think that is a natural feeling. I wanted to know why. The eventual reason thay gave was that it was a cord accident, meaning that the cord was pinched, tied in a knot or wrapped around his neck. They would have been able to see on the ultra sound if it had been wrapped around his neck so in this case it was either pinched or tied in a knot. There is nothing that can prevent this and nothing I could have done to cause it. That's is a horrible feeling. I was completely out of control of the situation. I blamed God. I was very angry at God. I steped away from my faith because I couldn't handle the thought that God would have let my baby die, that he would leave me in so much pain. I blamed him for everything. After awhile the anger subsided and I just ignored him. I refused to pray or talk to God in anyway, I didn't read my bible and I very rarely went to church.
It was weird, one day I realized I was talking to God again. I can't pin point a specific time or event that caused it. I was still hurting but I had finally stopped blaming him. I take comfort that my son is in heaven. It is hard for me to imagine what it would be like or how I would feel if didn't have that comfort. One of my grandmothers passed away 7 months before Jacob did and I always loved the thought of him in heaven with her, I imagine her sitting in a rocking chair rocking him and of course keeping socks on his feet. My other grandmother passed away last July and now I have the same image of her rocking him and singing old hymns that she loved to him. Now that I am not as angry I can take comfort in these things.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
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