Dealing with Denial

Once the boys were born and I had brought Kaleb home from the hospital I wouldnt let him go. He was never out of my sight. I rarely slept, I would watch him sleep to make sure he was ok. My world revolved around Kaleb. I became a pro at ignoring what had happened. I told myself if i didnt think about it it wouldnt hurt....not true. The pain manifests in other ways. We had to decide what to do with Jacobs body...I wasnt prepared for this, but now i am glad we did. He was cremated and i have a tiny little urn. For 31/2 years it sat on a special shelf in Kaleb's room. Now it sits on a shelf in the living room with pictures of Kaleb and Bella. This became important to me about a month ago, I wanted all my babies on one shelf. We bought a small box to put the urn in and we attached the pin we got at the first walk to remember, it has the day he died and the day he was born written on it.



It is amazing how once something has happened to you, it can change your reaction to even the smallest things, things that you never would have paid much attention to before. I still have trouble 4 years later when i see someone that is pregnant with twins, when i see twins, most painfully identical twin boys. That is what I should have had, and it is like a stabbing feeling in my gut.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with Bella that all my avoidance came crashing down on me. I was terrified! My fantastic doctor grandfathered me into being his patient again. He didn't have to, he is a perinatologist and my "normal" pregnancy was not something he had to take. He classified me as high risk because of my previous pregnancy so the insurance wouldn't question my seeing him. He let me have appointments every two weeks and he did an ultra sound every time just to make me feel better. All the staff at UMC were so kind and understanding. I would panic and my mom would take me to the triage and they would do a non stress test to show me everything was fine. Her room was never decorated, just simply a crib and changing table, she was not named until 3 days before she was born, we were scared, although this was not spoken at the time. We both knew what it was...fear. I was scared of labor I knew I couldn't emotionally handle it, we opted for a planned c-section. And my doctor promised me that if I did go into labor before then that he wouldn't make me wait he would get me into the OR and deliver my baby girl. He is truly an amazing doctor and I don't know how I would have made it through my second pregnancy without him.
Once Bella was home and I was doing the same things I did with Kaleb I realized I needed to deal with what had happened. We went to the walk to remember like we did every year since Kaleb was 3 weeks old. This time i had a 2 week old Bella. The lady that organizes the walk runs a support group. I had known about it since the first time went to the walk but i never went. I finally went, I took Bella with me because I couldnt leave her. I went every month and finally when Bella was 3 months old I went for the first time without taking her. It was a big step. I still go sometimes when I can.

I now feel the urge to take my horrible experience and use it to help others. I dont know exacatly what that will look like yet. But i hope to figure it out soon. This blog is my first step. I am hopeful that people will find it and somehow it will help them. I know from experience that it is just nice to have someone who knows a little bit about your pain. To know that you are not alone.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5