The hardest question to...

For most people the question "how many children do you have?" Is an easy answer. When I am asked that question I cringe inside. I always answer 2. If I have recently met someone and they ask about my children how can I answer 3? Then I would have to tell everyone I met this painful very personal story.
Every time I answer 2 I get this heartbreaking pain in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I am not being fair to him. Like I am hurting him somehow. I start getting anxious and feel insecure. I actually started writing this post a couple weeks ago and since then I watched a google hangout with a group of amazing women. they talked about this subject and how they answer this question. One lady said that she always answers with the word living. I have been thinking about trying this. when someone asks me I will say "I have two living children" this lets them know that I have more children and that at some point for some reason they are not longer living. It doesn't require a long explanation or an awkward moment while they try and figure out where my third child is. I don't know about everyone but I don't just share my story with anyone. It isn't "casual conversation" I heard someone say that and I loved it. It perfectly describes how I feel on the subject. The death of my son isn't casual conversation, It is heart breaking and painful every time I talk about it.
Just a little food for thought: next time you ask someone how many children they have, realize that for some people that is an awful question and answering it isn't as easy and saying a number.

Blankets and Care Packages

Today I started sewing my first baby blanket for the care packages. I have been collecting fabric and spending hours on pinterest looking for blanket patterns I want to use. I tried to figure out how to use my Grandmothers sewing machine but didn't have much luck. So I finally got a new one. It isn't nearly as fancy as hers but I guess that is a good thing since I couldn't figure hers out. :) But since hers was mounted inside of a desk/table thing mine now sits on top with hers on the inside. Sewing was a large part of my grandmothers life and I remember so many things that I wore of decorated my room that she sewed. so having her a part of this is a big deal for me. Not many people know but my grandmother also had a baby that passed away, and like many they never really talked about it or shared it with many people. I don't think I knew until I was an adult. So even though my grandmother passed away almost two years ago I still want her to be involved.
I am so excited to be starting on this. It has been a dream for me for so long now. I hope this will turn into something bigger that I can get more people involved in and really start making a difference and raising awareness about baby loss. I have been tossing around ideas in my head about trying to donate to fire departments and such, but I think that is getting ahead of myself. For me this is the slow beginning to be big dream of starting a company or non profit to support others who have experienced the loss of their child.

Bringing awareness and memorializing your baby

It is so important to bring awareness to the subject of stillbirth, infant loss, and miscarriage. Their are some really great organizations and projects happening that are breaking the silence.

I have read and heard allot recently about memorializing our children. I thought about it and realized I had done this is a couple ways.

The first way I did it was but having his name engraved on the wall at children's memorial park. I have his dad to thank for this. He pushed for us to have it done, i was busy hoping that if i ignored it the pain would go away..it didn't work. I am so thankful we did it. I go there and take the kids there all the time. Every holiday i take pictures of the kids there. It is so peaceful and wonderful.

Kaleb and Bella putting star stickers by his name (march 2013)

I also have a tattoo on my back. It has the phrase that is written on Jacobs urn and his initials in angel wings surrounding Kaleb's initials and their birth date.  I had it done in October 2010 and I have never regretted it.

 

 

Bringing awareness has also been a much talked about subject. This is a subject I love. There is no reason that a grieving parent, whether mom or dad, should have to feel uncomfortable talking about their child. It doesn't matter how long your baby lived, it is still a life and to you that is your child. I have my own quiet ways of bringing awareness my favorite is wearing t-shirts that support programs and cause people to ask me questions. But even if they don't ask a question they just read the shirt they still think about it and maybe 1 or 2 people will go home and google it and realize that their are allot more people out there that are grieving the loss of a baby than they even realized.

Their is a documentary being made that is about bringing awareness to the baby loss community and breaking the silence. The STILL Project is wonderful and I encourage everyone to 'like' them on facebook and check out their website www.stillproject.org

There is also a movie being made called Return To Zero starring Minnie Driver. It is based on the true story of writer/director Sean Hanish. How amazing would it be to have this movie in theaters around the country. Imagine all the eyes that would be opened to this subject. Please 'like' them on facebook and check out there website www.returntozerothemovie.com

 

 



Finding God again

 

"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now"

-Plumb," Need You Now"

 

 

 

How many times in the last few years have i been on my knees crying for God to take the pain away? Maybe far to many or maybe not enough. But I heard this song today while I was driving and it got me to thinking about my journey back to having faith in Jesus Christ.

 

I had fallen away many years earlier, Not intentionally it just happened gradually by making the wrong friends and making bad decisions. Getting pregnant was my dream come true. I never thought it would be anything except perfect with the perfect happy ending. I will never forget July 6th 2008 Hearing that your baby no longer has a heart beat instantly causes the most gut wrenching pain you can imagine. That little life that was still developing that had such promise that you dreamed about, you planned their future, you decorated their nursery...That precious little life was not going to grow up. After spending a week sobbing and staying in bed except for all the doctor appointments and tests I got ANGRY. I was so angry at God. I couldn't understand why he took my baby. I still had Kaleb, i still had to grow him inside of me for as long as possible.  He was what I was living for. When the day came that i went into labor it was terrifying. I knew that they would both be born and only one would take that first breath. I almost lost Kaleb at the end but he came out screaming..at least that is what I am told.

 

For years I stayed angry. I wouldn't talk to anyone about Jacob. I cant even describe how angry with God I was. I didn't talk about it. But every once in awhile I would just hide away and break down. I would grab my little Kaleb and hold my precious little miracle and just sob. I didn't know how to trust in a God that would take my baby. I spent years running from God. I would occasionally go to church but i would never open my heart i could never let him in. Eventually the whole little protected bubble I had made for myself fell apart. I was pregnant with Bella and I was terrified. I was so scared of something happening to her, I just wanted her to be born alive. I just wanted her to breath and she did! she was healthy and born at almost twice the size Kaleb was born at. Once she was a few weeks old I started going to a support group and learned that I was not alone, There were more people like me. Ours stories may be different but we share a bond. One time i heard it described as the club that no one wants to be a part of...SO TRUE! I have often heard people say that every life has a purpose. Maybe Jacob's purpose was fulfilled just being here for those 27 weeks. Slowly I began to realize that I needed God and that being angry at him wouldn't change anything. I started reading my bible and praying again and it made a huge difference in how i felt.  I have a verse in Job that i cling to. I recite it when i am feeling down. It took me a long time to put my faith in God again. But i havent looked back since I did. On my down days I have him to cling to for comfort. I know my baby is in heaven.

This has been a very emotional week for me and it has taken me days to write this. I am sure it is rambling and probably written with a little ADD.

 



 

 



Today is the day I start making things happen!

For the last year i have been wanting to do something to make a difference in the baby loss community. It had been over whelming and I have had no idea where to begin. I watched the google hangout session yesterday with the people from the STILL project and a bunch of other very inspiring people and i was inspired. I realized you don't have to start big. If you start small and keep pushing it will end up big in time. I thought and prayed last night while laying in bed and came up with an idea, a very reasonable place to start. Making care packages to donate to the hospitals in Tucson and eventually in other parts of Arizona. I have been making lists of what to put in and questions to ask the hospitals, I feel like this is possible and the beginning of something great.

perth, Australia

There is a lady in Australia that is an artist and photographer. She makes these amazing photographs with your babies name. She writes the name in the sand and photographs it with the sunset. It is beautiful! There is a wait list that she only opens when there are few enough names on it. She had announced that the wait list would open. So I figured out the time difference between tucson Arizona and Perth Australia and sat waiting by the computer to order one. I couldnt be more excited! Every other day i check the wait list to see if he has moved up. Perth Australia has moved to number one on my list of places I want to go. I want to walk on the beach where his name was written, I want to sit in the sand and watch the waves. It is like he was there just for a moment. She wrote on her website that she thinks the children that belong to the names she is writing paint the colors of the sunset...what a neat thought. My son was cremated so I don't have a grave I can go to I think this causes me to look for special places to feel close to him. I go to children's memorial park all the time, I feel close to him there. His name will be on the beach in Australia just for a moment, I wish I could be there when it is written. Since that isn't possible someday I will visit that beach and write his name myself and be where he was just for a moment.

I am still standing

Have you ever read something, an article or a phrase that described something you had been through or were currently going through just perfectly? I have had this experience twice, the first time with just a short phrase " I am still standing" short and sweet just four words that described coming out the other side, the positive healing side, of losing a baby. I read this phrase and realized I am still standing. I am a better person. I have new goals and ambitions for my life that I never would have had before. The respect for a relatively small community of people who know the bone crushing feeling of having a baby pass away.
The second was on article that I read in an online magazine that I love.  It is titled "why nothing is impossible now" As I was reading it it was like I was reading exactly how I feel every day. It doesn't matter that is has been 4 years I still wake up in a dead panic during the night and go check on both kids just to make sure they are still there and still breathing.

"I used to believe if someone was pregnant, it meant a dimply, rubber band rolled baby at the end of it.
Before."

This sentence is me exactly. I was the epitome of optimism. Never once did I think I wouldn't have two healthy beautiful little boys at the end, no matter I was terrified of having twins I still never thought I wouldn't have two.  Now I am completely the opposite. When I was pregnant with my daughter I felt like I was just waiting for something to go wrong. I couldn't see the dimply baby at the end. I had a "normal" pregnancy with her she was healthy and big, but it didn't matter I was still sure that something would go wrong.
Once something happens to you that shakes you to your core you are never the same. I will never be the optimist of being pregnant, but I have learned how to handle it.

Here is a link to the article. it is fantastic.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/01/why-nothing-is-impossible-now/