Finding God again

 

"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now"

-Plumb," Need You Now"

 

 

 

How many times in the last few years have i been on my knees crying for God to take the pain away? Maybe far to many or maybe not enough. But I heard this song today while I was driving and it got me to thinking about my journey back to having faith in Jesus Christ.

 

I had fallen away many years earlier, Not intentionally it just happened gradually by making the wrong friends and making bad decisions. Getting pregnant was my dream come true. I never thought it would be anything except perfect with the perfect happy ending. I will never forget July 6th 2008 Hearing that your baby no longer has a heart beat instantly causes the most gut wrenching pain you can imagine. That little life that was still developing that had such promise that you dreamed about, you planned their future, you decorated their nursery...That precious little life was not going to grow up. After spending a week sobbing and staying in bed except for all the doctor appointments and tests I got ANGRY. I was so angry at God. I couldn't understand why he took my baby. I still had Kaleb, i still had to grow him inside of me for as long as possible.  He was what I was living for. When the day came that i went into labor it was terrifying. I knew that they would both be born and only one would take that first breath. I almost lost Kaleb at the end but he came out screaming..at least that is what I am told.

 

For years I stayed angry. I wouldn't talk to anyone about Jacob. I cant even describe how angry with God I was. I didn't talk about it. But every once in awhile I would just hide away and break down. I would grab my little Kaleb and hold my precious little miracle and just sob. I didn't know how to trust in a God that would take my baby. I spent years running from God. I would occasionally go to church but i would never open my heart i could never let him in. Eventually the whole little protected bubble I had made for myself fell apart. I was pregnant with Bella and I was terrified. I was so scared of something happening to her, I just wanted her to be born alive. I just wanted her to breath and she did! she was healthy and born at almost twice the size Kaleb was born at. Once she was a few weeks old I started going to a support group and learned that I was not alone, There were more people like me. Ours stories may be different but we share a bond. One time i heard it described as the club that no one wants to be a part of...SO TRUE! I have often heard people say that every life has a purpose. Maybe Jacob's purpose was fulfilled just being here for those 27 weeks. Slowly I began to realize that I needed God and that being angry at him wouldn't change anything. I started reading my bible and praying again and it made a huge difference in how i felt.  I have a verse in Job that i cling to. I recite it when i am feeling down. It took me a long time to put my faith in God again. But i havent looked back since I did. On my down days I have him to cling to for comfort. I know my baby is in heaven.

This has been a very emotional week for me and it has taken me days to write this. I am sure it is rambling and probably written with a little ADD.