October 2013

It has been a few months since I have written. Life just got to busy. I decided October was a good month to get back to writing in here.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Most people know nothing about it. It doesn't get the attention that other awareness months do. This does not make It less important. There are walks that take place all over the county, even the world. This year I am very excited to be participating in the OC Walk To Remember. There are going to be people there that I admire for their work in the baby loss community and I am excited at the opportunity to meet them. One of them is Carly Marie, she is the one that took the photos with my sons name in the sand on the beach.  

I am also participating in capture your grief 2013. There is a different photo subject for all 31 days of October. October 1 is day one and the subject is sunrise. I used a photo that I took on te last morning we were at the beach in Texas. It was a beautiful sunrise. 

I am going to try and write about and share each photo for te 31 days. It will be a fun journey. I am also looking forward to sharing about my experience going to the OC walk to remember and the walk to remember they will hold here at children's memorial park. 

5 years

It's hard to believe that it has been five years. On this day five years ago my life changed forever, I will never be the same person I was before July 6th 2008. As I layed in the triage at UMC labor and delivery wondering what was going on, why everyone was avoiding eye contact with me and not smiling it never occurred to me that one of my babies wasn't ok. I had been worried a couple days before because I wasn't feeling them move, but the night before the doctors at Northwest told me everything was fine so when I got the call that I needs to go to UMC labor and delivery I didn't know why but I was naive enough to still think that all was fine. There are 7 words no mother wants to here: "your babies heart is no longer beating." After hearing those words I just remember screaming and crying and screaming. It is a feeling that is undiscribable and unimaginable to those who are lucky enough to never experience it. 

I managed to make it through work today and then spent the evening at children's memorial park with my strong surviving twin Kaleb and my precious full if life Bella. We wrote messages on balloons and sent them up into the sky then sat in the grass and ate candy. 

My story

I have been working hard as one of Arizona's state leaders. We are getting close to the deadline on June 20th at midnight to reach 100,000 pledges. Friday morning the makers of Return To Zero have an important meeting with some people in Hollywood that have seen the film and are interested in it. We are at 80,685 pledges that leaves 19,315 pledges to go. So I thought that I would make this a little more personal by sharing my story. When I first started this blog a shared my story but since then only bits and pieces. So here it is:

My journey started in February 2008. It never occurred to me that I would have anything other than an ideal, fairy tale pregnancy, I would have a healthy baby and it would all be so easy and magical...Wrong! I found out at 13 weeks that I was having twins. This possibility never entered my mind. I was terrified, and Josh was terrified. But we knew it would be ok. We started planning, we picked names Baby A would be Jacob and Baby B would be Kaleb. I dreamed about their room I ordered their bedding sets And I bought letters to paint and hang above their cribs. I was secretly afraid I would mix them up so I wanted their names above their cribs. I painted them myself, I had so much fun. It started around the 4th of July I wasn't feeling them move anymore. The doctor told me to go in to NW women's center just to have them check. I was there for a few hours. We listened to their heart beats on the monitor and they did an ultra sound. They told me everything was fine that there wasn't a problem. The next day, a Sunday, the on call doctor from my OB called and told me she was reviewing my ultra sound and something didn't look right. She told me I needed to go to labor and delivery triage at UMC and ask to see Dr Macuilla that she had called and told them I would be coming. My parents went with me, I was oblivious just telling myself everything was fine, it was denial. They spent hours trying to find Jacobs heartbeat, numerous nurses and residents all suddenly avoiding eye contact and quickly leaving to ask someone else. Finally Dr Macuilla came in, he was the one that had to confirm what everyone already knew, except me, he had to tell me my son had died, his heart was no longer beating and they had no idea why. I was 27 weeks. They ran tests drew so much blood I thought I wouldn't have any left. Everything was "normal" they had no reason only guesses. I had steroid shots to develop Kaleb's lungs faster and the next 8 weeks were consumed with doctor appointments, Thursday afternoons were my check up, they always did an ultra sound. Fridays I had blood drawn to make sure that Jacobs body wasn't starting to poison me. Monday Wednesday and Fridays I went for non stress tests not to count all the times my mom dropped whatever she was doing because I was in a full on panic because Kaleb hadn't moved for 30 minutes and she would rush me to UMC so they could tell me he was fine and he always was. I went into labor at 34 weeks, farther than they thought I would go. I spent 39 horrible hours in labor, it was traumatic, I am still not comfortable discussing most of my labor. I was 35 weeks the day after my labor started. On the morning of September 10 I had been at 8 1/2 cm for a good 10 hours, finally my water broke. 20 minutes later the most terrifying 3 minutes of my life happened. Monitors started beeping loudly and doctors and nurses came running in my room handing me papers to sign and saying I was having a c-section that Kaleb was in trouble. I was put completely asleep. I did not hear his first cry. I was told that it was very loud. Kaleb weighed in at 4 lbs 4 oz and 13 in long. He spent 3 hours in the NICU but then they let him go to the nursery. Thanks to the steroid shots I had gotten his lungs were developed. Jacob was 1 lb 7 oz. I made the heart wrenching decision to not see Jacob. I regret this every day. He would not have looked like a normal 27 week baby he had died 8 weeks earlier and I didn't want to remember him that way. I filled out 2 birth certificates and 1 death certificate. A parent should never have to fill out a death certificate for the child that never got to take a breath, it took me days to fill it out but I couldnt leave the hospital until I had. My life was never the same and never will be. I miss my son every day and wish he was here to turn 5 with Kaleb. I do everything a little bit different because he lived, even for such a short time. The phrase "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep." Is written on his urn, that is why it means so much to me. I take comfort in the fact that he is with the Lord happy and free from pain or sadness.

"...The Lord gave and The Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of The Lord" Job 1:21

Will you please pledge to see the first movie made with stillbirth as the main topic Return To Zero.

Just click the link below and put my name (Gillian Algar) as you local leader.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1

Be Joyful In All Things

^" Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances;  for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."   1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I think one of the most difficult things in life is being joyful when something horrible is happening. No matter who you are or what you have been through you can relate to that in some way. I have been working on being joyful in the loss of my son. Don't get me wrong, I am not jumping up and down all excited. To me being joyful is about turning the bad into good. I have never experienced a greater pain than the moment that the doctor told me that Jacob's heart had stopped, at that time being joyful was the last thing I thought I would ever be. I felt that way for a long time after. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized that I needed to stop being angry and start being joyful.
Being joyful in the loss of a baby is very difficult. I would give it all up to have him here to hold and tuck in at night. To me finding the joy is making a difference. Supporting others who have experienced the loss of a child.
I have been thinking about it for awhile and I think that when God gives us difficult situations and things that are hard to handle it is to bring us closer to him. He wants to strengthen our faith and trust in him. I am trying everyday to learn to be joyful in my situation.

Oh my goodness!

OH MY GOODNESS!!
I can not explain how excited I am inside about all that is happening. For the longest time I thought I should start a non profit or something to honor my son but now I have discovered so many organizations a projects I can throw myself into, I am overflowing with gratitude.
My newest mission is to learn some things about photography. I am have just started volunteering in community out reach for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep but I would love to be  a photographer for them.
I am also a local leader for the movie Return To Zero. I know I have talked about it a few times, it is something very near and dear to my heart, it is about a little boy that is stillborn and the effect it has on the couple. I would love to see this movie come to theaters, it will shatter the silence that surrounds baby loss. Sherokee Ilse emailed ME about brainstorming together on ways to get more pledges in Tucson. Most of you wont know who she is but to me she is a hero and someone I really look up to and admire. I almost cried when I saw the email.
The other thing I am super excited about is the opportunity to work with that fantastic people of Now I Lay My Down To Sleep photography. I wish I had had that opportunity when my son was born, although if I was being really honest I doubt I would have done it.
I just wanted to share how excited I am with the way things are working out. I am learning to how to let Jacobs light shine through me and my life.

Below is the link to pledge to see Return To Zero. PLEASE fill out the short form and help us make a difference!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform

Return To Zero pledge Drive

There is an amazing film that has been made called Return To Zero. It is based on the true story of the stillbirth of the writer/directors son. It is the first movie of its kind that is being made. It has a wonderful cast including Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein. This is something that is very close to my heart because I have experienced the pain of stillbirth and also the pain of trying to live life after a stillbirth. This movie is raw and emotional and important for the world to see. It is a glimpse into this amazing community of baby loss. There is so much support surrounding this movie because to this community it is a huge way to break the silence and make the subject of baby loss less taboo. I decided to become a local leader and the first goal is the get 100 people to pledge to see Return To Zero its opening weekend I have 27 days left to accomplish this. Could everyone please pledge to see it and put my name in when it asks who your local leaser is? For those of you that read this and done actually know me my name is Gillian Algar.  Below is the link to the form.
Thank You!!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform

My miracle baby

Having a surviving twin is a miracle. It is a daily reminder that just because something horrible happens doesn't mean that there isn't any good. I LOVE Kaleb I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have him. I also can not imagine what it would be like if both Kaleb and Jacob were alive. Kaleb is my little miracle. at 27 weeks Jacobs heart stopped and none of the doctors knew why. They didn't know if the same would happen to Kaleb. They were making guesses and taking preventative measures for all of the guesses. I had steroid shots to help develop Kalebs lungs quicker, I had blood drawn every Friday and I had at least 3 ultra sounds a week. In reality I probably had one nearly every day because I was always having panic attacks and going in to be checked at all hours of the day and night and they knew to always do any ultra sound because seeing his heart beating and him in there was pretty much the only thing that calmed me down. Beating all the odds I carried both boys, one living and one not, another 8 weeks. After 39 hours of painful and scary labor Kalebs heart couldn't take it, I have had suspicions that his heart stopped but no one would tell me that just that his heart had slowed. But in my thinking you don't have multiple doctors and nurses running in and telling you that you are having a C-section NOW without a serious reason. whatever the reason they were all running. From the time they started wheeling me out of my labor room to go to the OR it was 4 1/2 minutes until they had Kaleb out. From my understanding that is record time. I was told that little boy came out screaming, what I would give to hear his first cry is a very long list. He was so tiny, weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds 4 ounces and 13 inches long he had no fat on him. But he is the cutest little thing. He had to spend three hours in the NICU but the saw nothing wrong with him, nothing that is normally wrong with a baby born at just barely 35 weeks. I have known babies born a week or two later than him that haven't been developed enough and had to spend time in the NICU. Talk about a blessing. Sometimes I wonder if he was so perfect because God knew that it would be to much for me not to have him with me but to have to leave him in the NICU. But really who knows. Kaleb is my little miracle. I look at how big he has gotten and how he is such a little boy now instead of a baby or a toddler and I just want to cry. I could have so easily lost him to. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through if they both were stillborn. At times I don't know how I have survived Jacob being stillborn. On days when I have to work just to keep breathing though the pain I look at Kaleb and remember that it wasn't all bad. September 10 2008 I lost a huge chunk of me when only one little boy got to take that first breath and cry. Part of me was pretending that it wasn't real until I was no longer pregnant and felt so empty.
I have often wondered and dreamed while asleep what life would be like with both of them here. Would my marriage have been different? Would I still have Bella? But for the first time the other day I wondered what it would have been like if Jacob had been the one to live. Luckily I was alone in the car because I burst into tears at the thought of not having Kaleb. I wondered what his personality would have been like, would he have been loud and talkative or quiet? would he have liked the same things that Kaleb likes? All these questions swirl around in my head enough to drive a normal person mad. But I don't think I am normal, I have experienced the unimaginable and I am still able to walk and breath. These will be thoughts that stay with me forever. The loss of a baby is a dream cut short. I look at Kaleb and become overwhelmed with Gods grace and mercy because he let my little boy take this first breath and LIVE. Everyday I grieve the loss of Jacob but I celebrate the life that is my precious miracle Kaleb.

May 5 2013 I Am Still Standing

Kaleb 6 hours old with his Uncle Geoff I love this picture

Kaleb 5 days old, He had actually gained weight :)

This was the first time I had included them in the same picture. It was taken at Children's Memorial Park. The J is from the letters I had painted to hang above his crib before he passed away.